


Sleepless Nights

by LadyBeaumont



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Angst, Domestic, F/M, Family, Fluff, Pre-Canon, Pregnancy, Sleep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-27 21:57:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 21,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20053168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyBeaumont/pseuds/LadyBeaumont
Summary: A number of nights from Cora’s life and their subsequent mornings.First posted to fanfiction.net in 2013.





	1. Sybil - Part 1

“Mama?” 

Cora squinted at the silhouette of the small girl peering cautiously into the darkness from the doorway.   
“Sybil? Why aren’t you in bed?” The girls had long been put to bed. Cora herself had been in bed a good hour already but had yet to fall to sleep, her mind whirling. Sybil lingered by the door nervously pulling at her nightgown. Three whispered words explained exactly why she was still awake. 

“I miss Papa.” 

Cora sighed knowing how Sybil was feeling. She lifted the corner on the duvet and beckoned her over.   
“Come here.” Wasting no time the little girl padded barefoot across the room and jumped into bed next to her mother. Enveloped in her mother’s embrace Sybil started to cry. 

“Oh Sweetheart.” Cora tried her best to soothe her daughter, stroking her hair like she used to when she was a baby. “How about in the morning we write him a letter hmm?” Sybil seemed to settle a little at this suggestion. “You can fill him in everything that’s been going on here. I’m sure he’s missing you just as much. Does that sound like a good idea?” Sybil sniffed and nodded as Cora wiped her tears. “He’ll come back as soon as he can darling. In the meantime we just have to brave.” No longer blinded by tears and with her eyes accustomed to the dark, Sybil noticed she wasn’t the only one in the bed with a puffy, tearstained face. She frowned. 

“Mama have you been crying too?” Cora had hoped she wouldn’t notice but Sybil had always been the most caring and observant of others feelings out of her three daughters. She gave her a wobbly smile in reply. 

“We all miss him.” Sybil curled up closer to her mother giving her a tighter squeeze. The two lay in silence as Cora started to drift off to sleep assuming Sybil was too. Something else, however, played on the youngest Crawley’s mind, its whispered admittance woke Cora once more. 

“Mary says he’s going to die.” 

“When did she say this? Mary is intolerable. Pay no attention to her.” Cora made a mental note to have some choice words with Mary in the morning. 

“This morning.” It explained why Sybil had looked so glum all day. 

“Don’t listen to her. Mary’s full of nonsense.” Cora stroked her hair again. The poor girl had obviously spent the whole day worrying. “Just try and get some sleep and you’ll feel better in the morning.” It didn’t placate her though. Sybil found herself unable to switch off and the tears began to leak once more. 

“But what if he does?” 

Cora leant back slightly so she was able to look her daughter in the eye. 

“Sybil, before your papa left I made him promise me he’d be careful and that he’d come back. Now that’s not a promise anyone can make, but he told me he would do his best and come back to us as soon as he could. He is going to come back, I’m sure of it.” Sybil sniffled. “Besides, he has to come back so I can tell him off for what his dog has done to my hat!” Sybil giggled at the memory from the week before. Carson and Cora chasing after Hathor, who had grabbed Cora’s hat which she’d left beside her on the settee as she read in the Library and bounded off across the lawns with it. “Try not to worry, darling. It won’t help anything. I promise it will all feel better in the morning.” Sybil huffed knowing her mother would be right but it didn’t help how she felt right at that moment. 

“But I can’t sleep.” 

Much to Sybil’s confusion Cora climbed out of bed and went next door into Robert’s dressing room. Fumbling back through the dark Sybil noticed she had something in her hand, a bottle of cologne. She climbed back onto the bed, dabbed some on Sybil’s pillow, placed the bottle on the bedside table and shuffled down back under the covers. The two took in a deep breath. 

“Smells like Papa,” Sybil sighed contented. 

“It helps me sleep. Goodnight sweetheart.” She kissed her daughter on the forehead and they both fell into peaceful slumbers. 

... 

The next morning Cora was awoken by the light streaming in through the curtains the maid was opening. 

“Lady Sybil! There you are. Nanny has been looking everywhere for you!” 

The little girl looked over at her mother. She seemed much happier than the little ball of worry that had climbed into bed the previous night.

“Go on, go and tell her where you are and once everyone’s dressed I’ll help you write Papa a letter.”   
Sybil grinned and bounded out of bed off towards the nursery.

“Oh and Sybil,” Cora called after her.

“Yes Mama?”

“Tell Mary to come and find me. I want a word with her.” She smiled and raced off once more.


	2. Sybil - Part 2

It was in one of the guest bedrooms that Cora found Mary curled up reading. 

“Mary Crawley, I hope you’re not hiding from me.”

Mary impishly looked up from her book and lied to her mother. “No Mama why would I be?” 

Cora raised her eyebrows disbelievingly at her daughter. “Sybil told you to come and find me half an hour ago.” 

“I was looking and I couldn’t find you.” 

“Right, so you thought I’d be in here?” Mary looked down knowing she’d been caught out. Cora couldn’t help but chuckle to herself. “I just want to have a little chat. You needn’t look so worried.” She crossed the room and sat down on the bed beside her. 

Mary pouted, placing the book down beside herself. “Sybil said I was in trouble.” Cora let out a sigh. Mary and Edith had always been at each other ever since they were little girls and now it seemed Sybil was also learning fast how to stir up trouble. 

“Did she now? When are you girls going to learn to just get along and stop winding each other up?” 

The hopeful look on Mary’s face only caused Cora to laugh. 

“So I’m not in trouble?” 

She shook her head. “No. I just want to talk.” Relief flooded young girl’s face. “I had Sybil in bed with me last night. She couldn’t sleep, seems someone told her her Papa was going to die.” A sheepish look crossed Mary’s face once more. “You wouldn’t know anything about that would you?” 

A rush of words sprung from her mouth as she tried to defend herself. “Edith was annoying me. She said she was going to tell Papa that it was me who broke his paperweight when he came back. I didn’t know Sybil was there.” 

Cora wasn’t surprised by the defensive response. She hated being in the wrong, much like her father. Attempting to shift the blame onto Edith was often her way out of things. 

“Mary she’s five. You need to be careful what you say around her. She’s hangs on everything you and Edith say. You really upset her.” This time she knew she really was in the wrong. The disappointment in her mother’s voice hurt her more than being told off.

“I didn’t mean to,” she murmured, bringing her knees up to her chest and mumbling into her skirt. 

“But why would you even say that?” 

“Because,” her face crumpled and she looked away clenching her hands into fists. “... Because he might.” Angry tears started to form in her eyes, spilling into angry streams down her face. 

“Oh Sweetheart.” Cora pulled her eldest to her, wrapping her in a tight hug. “He’s going to be okay.” Mary pushed away from her, red faced, jaw clenched. Months of contained anger bubbled to the surface; worry that had built into resentment and anger at the situation. With nowhere else for it to go it rushed out directed at her mother. 

“How can you say that Mama? We don’t know! He might not.” 

Cora didn’t scold her for her outburst. Instead she brushed her hair back behind her ear and gave her a moment to calm down. “You’re right. He might not but we can’t think like that. We have to be positive.”

Mary seemed to deflate and slumped back against her mother. Her face turned into the folds of her dress. Her voice was much quieter than the angry outburst of a few moments ago. 

“I don’t want him to die.” She hiccupped, her breathing still fast and hitched. 

“He’s trying his best not to.” Cora rubbed her daughter’s back. “Worrying and being upset isn’t going to keep him any safer, it just makes you sad and he wouldn’t want us all to be sad. We have to be brave.” Mary looked thoroughly dejected.

“I don’t think I can.”

Cora pulled back from her daughter, holding her by her arms, to look her in the eye. “Mary Josephine Crawley, of course you can, you’re my big brave girl.” She gave her the raised eyebrow look that only a mother could give when they know they’re right. “How long have you been worried about Papa?” 

“Since he left.” 

“Exactly.” She rubbed her knee, “and you’ve been carrying round that worry all this time without letting on. I think that’s incredibly brave.” 

Mary frowned, her voice returning to its usual self-assured tone. “Crying’s not brave.”

“Sometimes crying is bravest of all.” 

“To you perhaps, you’re American, I am English. Crying is not brave.” 

Cora rolled her eyes, “You know, maybe this break from your father will do you some good. Stop you picking on your poor ‘American’ mother.” Mary smirked and lent her head once more against her mother. Cora wrapped her arm around her shoulders, rubbing her daughter’s arm. “Tell me, do you think your Papa is brave?” 

“Of course.” Mary’s reply was not a surprise to Cora. She knew she looked up onto her father, very much a daddy’s girl. 

“Well he cries.” 

Mary was incredulous. “Papa does not cry.” The idea of her papa crying was not something Mary ever imagined to happen. She had never seen it happen. She saw her father as the strong English man, the head of the household. Men did not cry; her papa did not cry. 

“He does sometimes, when he’s sad or worried or scared.” 

“Really?” She’d never thought of her father being that scared or worried about anything. 

“Really. Admitting you’re scared takes a lot of courage.” 

“Mama? I’m scared.” 

“I know sweetheart, we all are.” Cora’s head dropped to the side, resting on the top of her daughter’s while the two sat in contemplative silence before turning and placing a kiss on her hair. “But we’re going to brave aren’t we?” She pulled away from her and brightened her tone in manner that told Mary there would be no arguments; it was time to put on a brave face and get on with the day. 

“Yes.” Mary wiped at her eyes with her hands before Cora produced a handkerchief as if from nowhere and handed it over to her. 

“And if you’re ever feeling sad or worried you’ll come and tell me, won't you? You won’t keep it bottled up?” 

Mary nodded. 

“And you’ll be more careful in future about what you say around Sybil and Edith.” 

“Yes Mama,” Mary drawled exasperatedly. Cora rolled her eyes in response. 

“Good.” She patted her daughter on the knee before standing up and holding out a hand for her to follow. “Now why don’t we go and see if we can find the others and some biscuits?” 

The oldest Crawley girl’s face lit up. Biscuits for breakfast, who’d have thought it? As the two walked down the corridor, Mary discreetly slipped her hand into her mother’s. 

“So, this broken paperweight...”


	3. Old - Part 1

_April 1912_

  
Cora had rolled her eyes, internally of course, it wasn’t worth the grief of getting caught, at the sight of Violet walking round the house shielding her eyes from the new electric lights. Why they had so many objections to change always seemed foreign to her, especially when the change did nothing but benefit them. The new lights were much less hassle and so much brighter than the oil lamps. Cora actually looked forward to having them in winter when the cold, dark evenings often dampened her spirits. There was one light, however, that she felt much the same as Violet about.

  
...

  
She felt herself flush slightly as she caught Robert’s eye across the drawing room. It hadn’t been hard, he’d been staring intensely at her despite being in the middle of a conversation with Cousin Matthew. She had to look away. She felt his eyes on her, undressing her. Every now and then it would surprise her how just a look from Robert could still make her stomach flutter like it did when they were courting, even after all these years.

That evening in bed they’d managed barely a minute of small talk before Robert had pulled her on top of him, kissing her feverishly. As his kisses ventured down her neck and she felt his fingers toying with the bottom of her nightdress she reached over and switched off the light.

“Leave it on,” he mumbled into her neck, hands still groping about with the hem of her nightdress. She turned her head to kiss him, returning to how they were before she’d switched the light off, but he pulled back. “Cora, I said leave it on.”

“I don’t want to.” She tried to sound as blasé as possible, trying once more to kiss him and take his mind off the lamp. She was not successful.

“Why not?” As soon as he asked he felt her prickle in his arms.

“I just don’t want to, okay?” It wasn’t okay though. He continued to question her.

“But why Cora?” She groaned. They never had this issue with the old oil lamps. Once they were out they were out. Relighting them took an effort neither them could be bothered with but these new lights simply required the flick of a switch. One flick and the room would be bathed in light once again.

“It’s giving me a headache.”

“And I suppose it was giving you a headache last night and a few nights before that as well?”

  
“Robert just drop it.” Her voice was low and warning. She snuggled her face back into the crook of his neck once again trying to bring his concentration back to where it had been before the light. He didn’t kiss her though. He simply ran his hands over her back, clearly in deep contemplation.

“Whatever happened to the woman who straddled me naked as the day she was born in the library in the middle of the day?” She froze. His comment cutting straight to the core of her anxiety and woe and she felt herself putting up more defences.

She snapped, “That was years ago. She got old.”

He stayed quiet, feeling them dancing on the edge of an argument. He’d learnt from their first year of marriage though that problems shouldn’t just be ignored. Talking things through was vital to their happiness. He tried to keep his tone soft and light, letting her know he just wanted to understand.  
“So did he but it doesn’t mean he wouldn’t like it to happen again.”

“It’s never going to happen again.”

“Why not?” As much as he’d been trying to avoid an argument tensions continued to rise, along with their voices.

“Things change Robert. I’m not how I was. I got old.”

“Cora, 44 is not old! Besides, I’m older than you.”

“Exactly! You should know better.”

“Should I? Because you used to be so adventurous. Now you won’t even leave the light on. Cora I don’t understand.”

All Robert wanted was to understand what Cora was feeling. Why she shied away from him. What he could do to help but in the heat of the moment things were being said before they were thought about carefully. Considering people’s feelings while constructing sentences had never been one of Robert’s strong points. He could say something with all the well-meaning in the world but then as soon as it left his lips his choice of words would leave a path of destruction. Clearly once again he’d failed. Cora was now obviously riled by what he’d said.

“Well I’m not that young “adventurous” person anymore. Sorry to be such a disappointment.”  
She climbed off him and lay with her back to him, willing herself not to cry.

“Cora,” she felt him move closer behind her, tentatively reaching out to caress her arm, “that’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean to turn this into an argument. You could never disappoint me.”  
She turned around and buried her face into his neck as he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight. “I didn’t want to argue. I just wanted to see you.” He felt his shoulder getting wet. “Cora please, darling, don’t cry.”

She replied to him with a muffled, “I’m not.” She clearly was but he wasn’t going to push it. It would only start an argument again. Robert was known for his hot-headedness and temper but given the right circumstances Cora could give just as much as him. The fear of being a disappointment had always been Cora’s sorest point. Starting with the need to a good enough wife for an Englishman despite being American, there had then been the trouble they’d had getting pregnant in the first place and then the fact it had been all girls. She’d always said she’d make no apologies for her girls. She and Robert both loved them dearly and would never want to be without them but deep down, under all the American confidence lay a feeling of what if. Robert always felt the year it foolishly took him to realise and admit he loved her had played a huge role in this insecurity and as a result often left him feeling guilty when it bubbled to the surface.

Neither of them said anything. Years of marriage had taught him that sometimes it was better just not to say anything, to let her come to him and tell him rather than say something and put his foot further in it. He simply held her until she was ready.

“I’m not that young girl anymore.” Again he said nothing, just waited, leaving a silence for her to fill. “Everything’s a bit … softer.”

“I like softer.”

“Rounder.”

“I’m quite fond of rounder too.” He felt her sigh.

“Saggier.”

“I also like saggier.”

“Robert, please, just stop talking.”

“Cora, neither of us are getting any younger. We’re both going to get older, change, but remember this, I always have and always will think you are the most beautiful woman in the whole world.”

He did. Robert may have been slow on the uptake with the love part of their relationship but he’d always thought she was beautiful.

“You are stunning. A goddess. If this were ancient Egypt you’d be a goddess and everyone would worship you.”

“And you’d name your dog after me.”

“Yeah but you’d be a lovely bitch.”

“ROBERT!” She punched him hard in the chest. He yelped in pain despite heartily laughing at the outraged look on her face. “What a horrid thing to say to your wife. I can’t believe you just said that!” He continued to laugh at her. “Right that’s it. You’re in your dressing room tonight. I’m being serious Robert. You’re awful.”

“And you’re beautiful.”

She shook her head in disbelief as he leaned in to kiss her. “I mean it Cora. I don’t know how I let you ever think you’re not. Maybe we’ve over-Anglicised you, you’ve lost that American confidence. But we’ll get it back. I promise. I’m going to make it my goal to show you just how beautiful you are. ”


	4. Old - Part 2

He didn’t know what had woken him up but it was early. Looking over at his sleeping wife, the conversations of the previous night came flooding back to him. He’d had no idea Cora had been feeling how she did about herself. She lay on her side, back to him, hair splayed out across the pillow, her back exposed beneath the delicate straps of her nightdress. He reached out and stroked his fingers across the skin. He’d never really thought about the fact they were ageing concerning her. It seemed to him that she’d always been so quick and easy to accept change, especially compared to him, that she’d just embraced any signs of ageing in her usual manner. He’d not particularly noticed any signs of change either, but now, as he lay there watching his fingers trace up and down the top of her spine he noticed how her skin no longer felt quite the same as it once had. It wasn’t unpleasant or rough, just different.  
Cora sighed in her sleep and he immediately withdrew his hand not wishing to wake her. He instead closed the distance between them, wrapping his arm around her waist and snuggling his face into the crook of her neck. Lying like this, listening to the dawn chorus of the bird and an occasional soft snore coming from Cora, reminded him of a time gone by. A time not long after he’d started sleeping in her bed; long mornings spent watching her sleep as he tried to decipher his feelings towards her. This time it was not his feelings that were the cause of his troubles, it was hers. Somehow he would build back her confidence, make her see how much he loved her, how much he still found her attractive but how he was not sure.

He’d never been good at grand gestures or romance. It just wasn’t his way. Cora had teased him for being too English, lacking emotion and unable to pull off a grand gesture even if he tried. Maybe it was his fault then. It had happened before, back when they were newlyweds, not quite in the same way. The ways of Downton, the stiff upper lip and lack of emotion combined with his own foolishness has worn her down, deflated her and now it seemed it had happened again. Had he not told her enough how much he loved her? Maybe that was it. It wouldn’t take a grand gesture after all, just an increased effort on his part.  
As Cora turned in her sleep, the ray of early morning sunlight slipping through the gap in the curtains, warming her face, Robert made a pledge. Once a day he would tell her he loved her, tell her she was beautiful and if all went well bit by bit he would build her back up until eventually she would believe him.

She stirred again scratching at her nose, eyes still closed. He watched her, noting how peaceful she looked but also the fine lines around her eyes. He’d not really paid attention to them before. Not because he didn’t look at her. He did that a lot, gazing over at her during dinner, locking eyes across the drawing room. It was almost as if the Cora he’d been looking at all these years was suddenly different. Not massively. These were small differences. Things he’d not noticed. To him Cora was Cora. The image he had of her in his head was always how he saw her, his Cora. These small signs of ageing had seemed so insignificant he hadn’t noticed. They weren’t drastic, not like his own greying hair which was hard to ignore. It hurt him to think how, to him, she was so lovely, so perfect, and yet there she must have been scrutinising herself and seeing all these little signs of change as flaws.

Her nose wrinkled again. She almost looked cute if weren’t for the fact that cute was never a word he associated with Cora. She had introduced him to the word; so American. Cute was a child or a small fluffy creature. It most definitely was not Cora. Cora was classier, womanly, many things but cute.

A single piercing blue eye stole him from his thoughts. It looked up at him before being obscured by an arm shielding it from the light. The arm moved allowing the hand to rub the sleep from her eyes before moving down once more to rub at the offending nose. He may not have thought her cute but he definitely found her to be endearing.

“Good morning,” he leant down pressing his lips to hers, “Beautiful.”


	5. Ship - Part 1

_1898_

“Cora,” his voice was groggy with tiredness, exasperated.

“Sorry,” she whispered back. She had been trying so hard not to disturb him with her tossing and turning. He was tired, she was tired, they all were tired.

It had been a long day. They’d boarded the SS Majestic early that morning bound for New York. The girls had been particularly trying. A combination of tiredness from the previous day’s excitement, travelling to Liverpool and staying overnight in a hotel, and the fresh bout of excitement that came with boarding the ship and finally setting forth for foreign lands. Foreign to her husband and children that was.

Cora lay as still as she could beside Robert in the small bed that would be theirs for the next six nights trying not to disturb him any further. After 10 years she was returning home. Was it home though? So much had changed in those 10 years. In 1888 Cora Levinson had boarded a steam liner accompanied by her mother, filled with trepidation, upset and excitement. Today she’d boarded a ship in the opposite direction feeling many of the same feelings as before but in different quantities, this time as Cora Crawley, accompanied by her husband and three children. Her priorities had changed so much in those ten years. She could no longer begin to even fathom a life she didn’t live for her beloved husband and darling girls. She had hoped it wouldn’t have been this long before she had been able to go back and visit the states but things had happened. Pregnancies had happened; there was never a suitable time.

Her mother had been over whenever each of the girls had been born but she’d not seen her father or brother since she’d gotten married. They’d never seen the girl except for in the few photographs she’d been able to send over. Edith and Mary had been particularly excited by the prospect of meeting their American grandfather. Cora felt much the same about them meeting him too. While her mother was bold and brash her father was quiet and understated. A man from humble beginnings, who through hard work and perseverance had made something of himself. She’d always felt immensely proud of her father. They had a good relationship. She’d often locked horns with her mother growing up but she’d always gotten along with Isidore.

Cora put her inability to sleep down to the strange surroundings and her excitement for the month to come. Robert had bought the tickets as part of her birthday gift. She was to spend her 30th birthday surrounded by her family in Ohio, something she’d never dreamed of happening. Violet had of course voiced her concerns over the idea of taking the girls while they were still so young. By the afternoon when the ship had reached Queenstown to pick up the final passengers before setting off on the Pacific Ocean, when all the girls stood before her crying, she wondered if they should have listened to Violet after all. Edith sobbed holding her pink arm shouting that Mary had pinched her. Mary, red faced and adamant, denied all knowledge of the event and claimed that it was in fact Edith who had pinched her. Two year old Sybil, overwrought and exhausted from refusing to take her nap, was simply just crying.  
Robert wasn’t helping matters either. Feeling seasick and generally being a bad traveller left him even more short-tempered than usual. With little patience for the girls he’d shouted at them only causing them to cry further. Once she’d suggested Robert might feel better if he had a lie down, making it seem it was his idea naturally, and placated the two older girls, sending them off to play in their room, she was left with a grizzly Sybil. They sat quietly together in the sitting room, Sybil on her lap curled into her chest still desperately fighting the urge to sleep despite her heavily drooping eyelids. In that moment she became aware just how tired the last two days had made her and looked forward to the moment she could crawl into bed and fall asleep.

And yet here she was, sleep eluding her. With every minute that ticked by she became more and more aware that it was another minute closer to morning. Another minute closer to the girls waking up and another day aboard a ship with a seasick husband and three children under the age of 6. Sleep was needed. She rolled over once more, curling up in an attempt to get comfortable. Robert grumbled in his sleep and the clock in the sitting room let off a low bong that informed her another hour had past.  
She was now two hours into her second day of sailing. Sybil would probably wake in three and a half hours, the other girls not far behind her. Nanny would of course see to them but with the close proximity of the rooms in their suite she had no doubt they’d be woken.

Cora turned again resulting in yet another grumble from the other side of the bed. It was no use she decided, slipping out of bed and wrapping her dressing gown round her. Maybe a change of scenery would help. She’d pop her head round on the girls and check they were okay and then go have a lie down on the settee. Hopefully that would make her sleepy.


	6. Ship - Part 2

She poked her head round the door of the room the girls were sharing. They were only the other side of the sitting room from hers and Robert’s room but she felt more settled knowing they okay. Sybil lay sprawled across her bed, limbs tangled in the sheets. Quietly she crept in to the room to tuck her back in properly. 

“Mama?” 

She turned to see Edith lying, eyes wide open, looking at her from the bottom bunk of the bunk beds she was sharing with Mary. Glancing up Cora saw that Mary was fast asleep. 

“Go back to sleep sweetheart,” she whispered, turning back to finish rearranging the sheets over the softly snoring Sybil. 

“I can’t sleep,” Edith whispered back. 

Cora pressed a kiss lightly to Sybil’s forehead before coming over and crouching next to Edith. 

“Not at all?” 

The little girl shook her head and shuffled down in bed a bit more causing the covers to come up over her chin. Cora reached out and stroked her middle daughter's head. 

“Me neither. You should have come and told me.” 

“Papa would be cross again,” Edith whispered back with a frown. Robert’s earlier outburst was clearly still fresh in her mind. Cora didn’t like to think that her little girl had been lying there in the dark for hours unable to sleep, too scared to go and see her or her papa for fear of making them cross. She’d always been sensitive but she was right, Robert had been so grumpy all day, he probably would have been annoyed, at least at first. 

“Shuffle over.” Edith looked confused but complied with her mother’s request. The bed was narrow but Cora climbed in next to her daughter, cuddling up close to her. “We’ll both try again. Goodnight darling girl.” 

Edith let out a yawn, cuddled further into her mother and bid her a sleepy goodnight. The two lay perfectly still, eyes closed, hoping sleep would take them. 

“Mama?” Edith’s whisper some fifteen minutes later was barely audible, not wanting to disturb her mother if she was sleeping. “Are you asleep?” 

“No,” Cora replied. She’d been sure Edith had dropped off but was clearly mistaken. The little girl sighed. Neither of them appeared to be going to sleep any time soon. Cora had an idea. “Put your shoes and dressing gown on.” 

She crept out of bed to find some shoes for Edith who was now sat up looking thoroughly confused. “Come on. Quietly, don’t wake your sisters.” 

“Where are we going?” Cora handed the shoes over to Edith along with her dressing gown. She smiled as she watched her push her arms through the sleeves and wrapped the dressing gown round herself. 

“On an adventure.” 

After a detour to get Cora’s own shoes and a blanket the two left the darkness of their suite, hand in hand, and step out into the brightly lit corridor. The ship was silent except for the constant hum of the engines beneath them. They weaved through the rabbit run of corridors, stepping over the raised door entrances until they opened a final door out into the night. The cold sea breeze immediately hit their faces. Edith moved closer to her mother. It took awhile for their eyes to readjust once more to the darkness. Once they had, Cora eyed her target and led Edith to a deck chair further along the ship. She sat down, sinking into the canvas of the chair. Edith climbed on to her lap as she draped the blanket over the two of them, bringing it up round their chins to block out the wind. 

Before them lay nothing but sky. In the dead of night in the middle of the sea all that could be seen was an inky black expanse smattered with stars. They sat huddled together for warmth, looking at them, gently being rocked by the ship. 

“Mama what is Grandpapa like?” 

“He’s quite different from Grandmama. He’s quieter, hard working. You’ll meet him soon and see for yourself.” 

“And Uncle Harold?” 

“And Uncle Harold.” 

“What did you and Uncle Harold do in America?” 

“Growing up?” Cora asked. Edith nodded her head. “When I was a little girl my papa, your grandpapa, would take me and your uncle out into the yard at night. We’d take a blanket and spread it on the ground and then the three of us would lie down and look at the stars. The skies would be completely clear and covered in little twinkly lights. Grandpapa would point out all the constellations to us and tell us stories about each one.” 

“What’s a constellation?” She stumbled over the big word. 

“A constellation is a group of stars. You see that really bright star over there,” Cora pointed off into the distance, “the brightest one.” 

Edith squinted off into the distance. “Yes Mama, I see it.” 

“That star is called Polaris, the North Star. Across from there are seven stars that make a shape like a plough. Can you see them? Down from the North Star there is a star with three other stars just over from it in a straight line. Then the last star in the line is the corner of four that form a bucket shape. See them? Like a plough. We call it the Big Dipper in America. Your Papa told me it’s called the Plough in England.” 

Edith was still looking around for the stars. “Mama, I can’t –”

Cora pointed again. “See there’s the handle there, those three in a line, then there’s four in a sort of rectangle shape –”

Edith gasped as she found what she was looking for, “I see it!”

“That’s a constellation. Its proper name is Ursa Major.” Cora’s astronomy lesson was cut short by a gasp from her daughter. 

“Mama! That star moved!” 

“Where?” She looked around quickly scanning the skies to see what her daughter had seen. 

“There! Mama look!” Edith pointed excitedly as another ball of light streaked across the sky. 

She couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face as she caught sight of the star. “A shooting star. Good spot darling.” More stars appeared moving through the sky. 

“It’s beautiful,” Edith whispered, wide mouthed in awe, as if any loud noise would stop the show nature was putting on for them. 

“You know Edith, when you see a shooting star you’re supposed to make a wish.” 

“Really?” 

“Yes. Make a wish sweetheart and maybe it will come true.” 

The two of them sat admiring the sky a while longer before the chill of the sea breeze started to permeate the blanket that was supposed to be protecting them. Edith let out a mighty yawn, triggering one of similar power in Cora. 

“Time for bed cherub.” Edith snuggled further into her mother’s lap. “Edith…” 

Two big blue eyes looked up at her hopefully, “Carry me?” Cora laughed and placed a kiss on her forehead. 

“You’re far too big for me to carry! You’re my big girl. Come on, off you jump.” She pulled the blanket off them and waited for Edith to get off her before wrapping the blanket back round her daughter. The two walked quietly hand in hand back to their room where upon entering Edith immediately slumped down on the settee. 

It was curled up together, fast asleep on the settee, that Robert found them at a more normal time that morning.


	7. Letters - Part 1

_29th December 1899 _

_My Darling Robert,   
It is a ridiculous time in the morning here. I know I wrote you but two days ago and I know I should be asleep but I simply cannot. Instead I find myself creeping around the house writing letters. Downton is currently silent in only the way Downton can be, creaking and groaning. No doubt the maids will be up in a few hours to prepare the fires but for now I believe I am the only one awake. It is raining here. I lay for a long while listening to the sound of the rain before deciding on sneaking out to the sitting room to write you. It’s at night when I find myself missing you the most. I’m hoping that in writing this I will feel somehow closer to you.   
I’m sorry darling, I know until now I tried to only write positively to you. I hope the letters from myself and the girls have kept you in high spirits especially over Christmas. No doubt you are missing us as equally as we are missing you. I know it has only been a few weeks since you left but tonight I’m finding hard to put a brave face on things. Tomorrow morning I will be fine but at this present moment in time I need you to know how much I’m missing you. Sometimes I wake up in the night and for a brief moment I forget you’re not beside me. In many ways it’s like when we first got married. The loneliness. Wanting to be near you but being unable to reach out. This time an ocean stands between us rather than a door. Back then we were young and foolish. We didn’t tell each other how we felt. I made you aware of how I felt the night before you left and made you a promise. I’m afraid this letter goes against that promise but I hope you will forgive me this moment of weakness.   
Robert I’m scared. News has come back of all the lives lost these past weeks. They’re calling upon more men to go and join the cause and I can’t help but think how much longer will it be until I see you again? If at all. I’m sorry. I’m just worried. The main difference between that first year of marriage and now is that no matter how lonely I feel or how much I want to be with you and can’t be, I know that you love me. I guess I just need to make sure that you know I love you too, from the bottom of my heart. With every fibre of my being.   
Please stay safe.   
My love always,   
Cora._

“My lady?” Mrs Jenkins shook Cora gently by the shoulder. She wouldn’t usually be in the sitting room at 4am. She’d been called by one of the maids after they’d spotted the lady of the house slumped over the desk in the corner of the room, snoring gently, as they went to set the fire. The maid, a fairly new addition to the house, had been unsure as to what to do in the bizarre situation and thought the housekeeper best deal with it seeing as Lady Grantham’s lady’s maid would not yet be awake. “My lady?” 

Cora stirred from her sleep, groggily sitting up, looking just as confused by finding herself in the sitting room as Mrs Jenkins and the maid had been. “Sorry to wake you, it’s just--” 

Cora looked down at the page on the desk where her head had been. “I must have fallen asleep,” she mumbled more to herself rather than anyone else in the room. 

Little comments had flitted around downstairs about her ladyship’s ability to sleep lately. All made in passing, things like the lady’s maid mentioning Cora looking especially tired some mornings or cook complaining about breakfast being delayed because her ladyship still wasn’t up. Small comments which on their own passed without a second thought but when considered together painted a picture of a bigger problem. 

On the surface Cora seemed fine. She had taken life with a husband at war in her stride. She’d thrown herself into representing Downton with Robert away and spent every spare moment with her children. To the trained eye however, there seemed to be something not quite right with Cora. She was definitely missing her husband more than she was letting on. She couldn’t contain it forever. Being unable to sleep properly seemed to be how the upset was manifesting. 

“I didn’t know whether to wake you but you looked so uncomfortable I thought you might want to go up to your own bed and have a more comfortable rest.” 

The extreme tiredness Cora felt caused her to process what was being said to her a lot slower than usual. Mrs Jenkins wanted to turn to her and tell her to go to bed like you would instruct a child who had reached the state of tired grogginess Cora was in, but that would be improper. All she could do is wait until the suggestion of going up to her own bed sunk in to Lady Grantham’s head. 

With a look of sudden clarity Cora rose to her feet, seemingly making a decision, “Yes of course. Sorry I’ll go up now,” and shuffled out of the room.


	8. Letters - Part 2

Cora woke that morning in the same manner as most mornings of late, feeling extremely tired. A sharp pain shot through her neck as she attempted to sit up before she found herself falling back to sleep. The memory of the previous night flooded back to her with the painful reminder. She had wondered if it had been a dream. She’d been having a lot of those recently but the stiff neck she was now experiencing suggested otherwise, she had fallen asleep at her desk writing to Robert. 

That night she’d particularly felt the lack of his presence beside her. The quietness of their bed without the gentle sound of her husband’s breathing beside her became too much. She found the nights difficult but once morning came she normally felt better, it didn’t seem so hard, but today the oppressive silence of her room loomed over her once again. 

Gingerly she rose from her bed and called for her lady’s maid, Taylor. Today she would take her breakfast downstairs. She could not bear to stay in the room any longer than necessary. 

Taylor arrived and promptly started to dress her mistress once she’d sent a message downstairs to alert them to the new dining arrangements. 

“Did you sleep well my lady?” Taylor ran the brush through Cora’s hair noticing the dark circles under her eyes. She’d been fairly quiet ever since Taylor arrived. It was quite unlike her. It could be down to her tiredness but Miss Taylor had an inkling it was something else bothering her. 

She made eye contact through the mirror, “You heard then?” 

“Heard my lady?” 

“I thought I would have caused a fair amount of gossip downstairs this morning.” 

“No my lady?” Taylor looked quite blank, reassuring Cora that she wasn’t just pretending to save her any embarrassment. If she was then she was a good actress. 

“I gave Poppy quite the shock this morning finding me asleep at my desk. She had to get Mrs Jenkins to wake me. Quite embarrassing really.” 

“I’m sure it wasn’t my lady. If you don’t mind my asking, why were you there?” 

“I couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d be better off making use of my time and went to write some letters. Next thing I remember I had a stiff neck and was being stirred by Mrs Jenkins.” 

“Would you like a lavender bath tonight my lady? Maybe that would help you sleep.” 

“That sounds lovely. Thank you.” 

Cora walked down the stairs to the dining room still in a mood. The more she thought about how she needed to get out of it, the further she descended. Up until now she’d managed to stay cheerful, at least whenever everyone else was around, even if she didn’t feel it. Today however, she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. 

The sight of the dining room table set for one only depressed her further. This loneliness, she decided, was getting out of hand. She’d have to call on someone in the afternoon. She couldn’t stay sulking in Downton or she would go stir crazy. Maybe a brisk horse ride would blow away some of the cobwebs.   
Carson pulled out her chair allowing her to sit. It was then that she spotted it. There on the table, on top of her plate, in his undeniable script, lay an envelope addressed to Cora. Quickly she snatched it up as if her life depended on it. 

“Carson! When did this arrive?” 

“But ten minute ago my lady.” The butler uncharacteristically smiled down at her. The pure joy on her face was enough to cheer even the most stoic of men. 

She stroked over the ink, torn between ripping open the letter and devouring it, and taking her time and savouring the moment of reading its contents for the first time. No doubt she would read it multiple times again but it would never be the same as the first read. 

“My lady?” Carson stood beside her, holding a platter with a letter opener. Briefly drawn away from her thoughts, she turned and took the knife, thanking him. 

Her hands shook slightly as she sliced through the envelope. This is ridiculous, she told herself, despairing at her hands. It was only a letter and yet she could hear the blood rushing in her ears. Unable to bear it any longer she ripped out the letter, hurriedly unfolding it and read the first line. 

_Cora, my love, _

_Her heart pounded and she wanted to cry. At that moment of writing he was safe. Of course things could have changed since then but she didn’t think about that. He was safe and he loved her. _

_I apologise that I have not had the chance to write until now. I have received your letters with news from yourself and the girls. They’ve helped keep me in good spirits. At night I often find myself thinking of you all, rereading your letters, seeing your tales from Downton so vividly in my imagination. I dream of the day when I will return to you and will no longer be reliant on my mind to see you, hold you, kiss you.   
Despite our separation I draw comfort from you regularly, for even with this distance between us I know you are always with me in my heart. That fated morning that I left caused me a great deal of pain but your keeping of our promise helped me, for through you I draw my strength.   
A great surprise befell me upon arrival at the docks in Liverpool. We travelled here by the SS Majestic. How different the journey was compared to the last time I was aboard her. Despite the circumstances I happily drew back to the memories of last year as I walked around the ship. It was a journey where once again I felt you beside me, if only this time in spirit.   
The fighting has been tough here but we battle on. As you have kept your promise I have kept mine. I am doing my best and cannot wait to see you again.   
Tell the girls I love them and miss them and will be home as soon as I can.   
Ever your loving husband,   
Robert _

Carefully she folded the letter back and placed it once again within its envelope. The letter not only brought news from Robert but a feeling of relief. During the last few weeks a pressure had built around Cora, reaching a dangerous level close to explosion, but now the pressure had released. It hadn’t disappeared entirely but it had lessen in a rush, much like a rush of steam releasing out of a boiling pot when the lid is removed. She still missed him of course but suddenly everything didn’t seem so hard. The mood that had followed her from the night seemed to have disappeared with the light.


	9. Dreams - Part 1

_June 1902 _

Robert knocked softly at the door joining his room to that of his wife’s. He felt awkward. He knew she was alone, she’d gone up a while before him and was sure to be ready and in bed ,and yet here he stood knocking on the door. Before he’d left he would have just walked in, knocking as he passed through as an afterthought. That was a year and a half ago though. He had returned from the war that morning; things had slotted back to normal easier than he’d imagined. He’d been so pleased to be back. The girls had spent the day vying for his attentions, delighted to have their papa back. He couldn’t believe how much they’d grown and changed in the time. Cora was also pleased to have him back. Every time he’d looked over at her that day, she’d been grinning at him. Now for some reason, however he felt nervous. She hadn’t replied to his knocking. Maybe she’d gotten used to sleeping alone and wouldn’t want him in her bed tonight. He mentally shook himself and opened the door knowing she’d be waiting for him. 

She was in bed, the lamp still lit. The soft light bathed her sleeping face. She looked so peaceful and content that he immediately regretted coming in. He wanted to turn back, dejected, and return to his own bed but this was the first time he’d been with her on his own since he’d returned. Even at dinner, when the girls were in bed and therefore not stealing his attention, he’d still had his mother, sister and her husband to entertain. He stood watching her from afar, glad to be back with her. 

Her eyes fluttered open and squinted at him. “Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you. I can go and sleep in there if you want.” He wafted his hand behind him indicating that he meant his dressing room. He tried to sound casual, like he was happy to sleep there, but his stomach fluttered at the thought of it. 

She frowned. Why would she want him to sleep in his dressing room? They’d not slept in the same bed since the night he’d left. She’d spent many lonely nights imagining this night, falling asleep in his arms. They’d written each other with their secret desires for the night they were to be reunited. Letters that had made her blush and her heart race at the thought. Robert always seemed freer in sharing his feelings on paper than in person. She was sure he took meticulous care in writing them down, but with time to think before sharing he didn’t clam up and appear half as awkward as he did when sharing feelings face to face. “Don’t be foolish. I want you here.” He visibly relaxed, in turn making Cora relax. He wanted to be here as much as she wanted him. He rushed over, shedding his dressing gown as he went and climbed in beside her. 

Cora immediately drew herself up next to him and they lay face to face. A silence came over them as they gazed at each other, coy smiles on their faces, happy just to be so close. 

“Sorry I fell asleep,” Cora whispered. 

“You can go back to sleep if you want. I didn’t mean to wake you.” 

She leant over closing the gap between them pressing her lips briefly against his before settling back how they were. “I’m glad you did.” 

“Tired?” 

A puff of air came from Cora, “when am I not these days?” Robert looked concerned and stroked her cheek. It was said jokingly but he worried. She’d forgotten just how serious he could be sometimes. “I’m feeling surprisingly awake now though.” A cheeky smirk and a raised eyebrow put a smile back on his face. She draped her arm lazily across him, pressing her body even closer to his. 

“I like this. Is it new?” His fingers traced over the ribbon straps of her white nightgown. The bodice was sheer lace, showing her stomach beneath it. The collar tantalisingly covered her breasts. 

“I bought it a few months ago in America. Been saving it for tonight. Do you approve?” 

The mention of America hung heavily between them. It couldn’t be ignored. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”   
She bit her lip. “It couldn’t be helped. Let’s not think about that tonight.” She kissed him once more, drawing them out of the sadness that had seeped in and back to the moment. He kissed her back, wrapping his arms around her waist. 

“I love you,” he whispered. 

She rested her forehead against his, nuzzling him with her nose a few times. “I love you.” Her arms settled under his, reaching up his back to play with the hair at the base of his neck. They were in no rush pressing soft, chaste kisses against each other’s lips, looking into each other’s eyes, quietly communicating a year and a half’s worth of longing. 

The kisses got longer. Robert brought his hand up to her face again, stoking over her cheek bones as she sucked gently on his lower lip. The smell of her soap on her skin, the touch of her hands and the sound of her little sighs attacked his senses as they got lost in each other. 

She pulled away abruptly. Stopping for a moment like she’d heard something. He pressed his lips to her neck focusing her attention back on him until once again her head snapped back, this time turning towards the door. He could hear something now too, a soft tapping and whimpering coming from the corridor. “What’s −?” 

“Sybil?” Cora tentatively called out. 

The door creaked open and there, hiccupping, in tears stood Sybil. 

“Darling what is it? What’s wrong?” Sybil stood in her nightdress utterly distraught. She sobbed so hard she was unable to answer her mother, leaving Cora to second guess the trouble. “Another dream?” The young girl, rooted to the spot, nodded briefly, her shoulders heaving. “Oh Darling,” Cora sat up, turning her whole body towards the door and held out her arms, “come here.” 

Sybil rushed over, crashing into her mother’s embrace and immediately started sobbing even harder than before. Her breathing was uneven as she gasped and hiccupped between cries. Cora loosen Sybil’s grip round her, sitting her down on the edge of the bed. 

“Breathe sweetheart. Just breathe. Big deep breaths.” She tried to keep her tone calming but Sybil wasn’t listening. Her face was red and puffy. Tears streamed down it. “Sybil sweetheart you need to calm down.” She brushed the tears from her face. “Breathe with me. In … out…” Sybil tried to breathe in time with her mother, fighting against each stuttering gasp. 

“Sybil listen to your mother. Breathe.” Cora reached behind herself, laying a hand on Robert’s leg. She knew he was only trying to help but she was dealing with it. Sybil needed to focus on her breathing right now. Thankfully Robert took the hint and backed off to let her deal with it. 

“That’s it. In …”, she took a loud exaggerated breath, “and out...” Sybil’s breathing seemed easier. She was still taking in quick breaths but they were steadier. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sybil crumpled her face and fiercely shook her head. Cora shuffled around and got her to get into bed with her properly. She curled up at her side whimpering as Cora soothed her, stroking her hair. “Shh. You’re okay. You’re safe. It was just a dream.” 

They lay like that for a while. Sybil’s crying slowly petering out with Cora’s assurances. 

“Darling I need to turn over.” Cora was uncomfortable. She had tried to ignore it, not wanting to disturb Sybil who now seemed fairly calm and on the edge of sleep. It was no use though, she knew she couldn’t fall asleep lying on this side even if Sybil was comfortable. “Why don’t you go in the middle?” 

Surprisingly the little one agreed straight away, climbing over her mother as she turned over and getting comfortable between her parents. 

Robert stroked his youngest’s arm. “Feeling better?” She quickly turned away from him, snuggling up closer to her mother, tucking her head under her chin. 

Over the top of Sybil’s head the couple caught each other’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” Cora mouthed with an apologetic smile. Robert looked hurt, not just by the abrupt change in their plans but mainly by the way his daughter had spurned him. 

“Welcome home,” he whispered dejectedly. 

Across her daughter Cora reached for his hand taking it in her own, their fingers naturally interlocking. “I’m so glad you’re home.” She pulled his hand up to her mouth and pressed a kiss to his knuckles.   
“So am I.” He kissed her forehead, dipping down to kiss the back of Sybil’s hair before getting comfy and ready for sleep. Sybil was already gone, Cora’s eyes were slowly blinking with tiredness, he felt overwhelmed by it too. “Goodnight darling.” 

Cora smiled, eyes closed. “Goodnight.”


	10. Dreams - Part 2

Robert had been half awake already, thanks to his youngest daughter constantly pulling the covers off him, but her swift kick to his shin had definitely woken him for good. He couldn’t be cross though. As he looked over at his two girls snuggled together, yet somehow with limbs sprawled all over the bed, he felt his heart swell with love. Contented, he closed his eyes trying to claim back a few more minutes of sleep before he’d have to get up. Just as he was about to fall asleep once more, someone slapped him on the forehead. His eyes sprang open to see that Cora, who had been lying on her side, one arm lazily resting across her daughters middle and the other folded above Sybil with her head resting on it, had stretched out her cramped arm and in doing so managed to hit him. 

His startled “unff” had disturbed Cora from her slumber. She blinked a few times, her eyes focusing on him. Her face lit up. 

“Morning,” she whispered, a smile plastered to her face. 

“Morning.” His smile matched hers. How long they had waited to say that to each other. 

“Did you sleep well?” 

“Between having the blankets pulled from me and kicked by my youngest daughter and hit in the face by my wife? … yes, not bad really.” 

“Oh Darling,” she sniggered, trying to be sympathetic but the thought of Robert returning only to be abused by her and his daughter caused her to laugh, “I am sorry. This wasn’t really the night we thought we’d have was it?” 

Robert couldn’t help but see the funny side of it all, their night had been quite the opposite of the one they’d planned. “No but how can I be cross when I wake up with two beautiful girls beside me?” Their eyes both settled on Sybil between them. She looked peaceful, a marked difference from how she’d been the night before. “Has this been a regular occurrence?” 

“Fairly, poor love. Usually she just needs a pat on the head and some reassurance and she goes back to bed but, well, you saw how she was last night, when she’s like that I have her in with me.” She stroked her hair, soft in her touch. Robert had always been impressed with Cora’s ability to mother, the difference in her style and upbring he had sometimes caused issues but he secretly loved her softness and love for their children. 

“Poor girl. Does she remember what the dreams are about?” 

“Sometimes, sometimes not.” Sybil didn’t always remember what it was that she had dreamt of. Cora could never really decide whether these dreams were better or worse than the ones she remembered. At least when she didn’t remember what had upset her she couldn’t dwell on it but then the unknown could unsettle her just as much as those she remembered. 

“What are they about?” 

Cora gave him a meaningful look and chewed her lip. “Just things, being chased, monsters, being hurt, her family being hurt--” she trailed off looking back down at Sybil. 

“Me?” the pain was clear in his voice. She looked up straight at him. She couldn’t bear to tell him out loud. It seemed cruel. He knew, he could see it in her eyes, she didn’t need to tell him. Robert was often a feature of Sybil’s nightmares, she worried about him. Cora had worried too. Sybil wasn’t the only one to have dreamed of him the last year and a half. Thankfully their fears had never come to fruition. He’d return to them safe and sound. 

“You’re home now.” 

“I hate that I’ve upset you all.” 

“You did what you had to do and we’re all incredibly proud of you.” 

“Sybil wasn’t last night.” She’d seen the look on his face last night, the way he’d flinched whenever Sybil turned away from him, hiding from him, turning to her. She’d hurt him without even realising. She’d just been a child, upset, scared, seeking comfort from her mother. She wouldn’t have even thought about it but it had clearly upset Robert. 

“Robert. You’ve been away for a year and a half, that’s nearly a quarter of her life, it’s going to take all of us awhile to get accustomed to each other again. It’s nothing personal. She was upset, she’s gotten used to it just being me in here.” He didn’t seem convinced. “I promise you, she’s been so looking forward to your return. We all have.” Sybil fidgeted, once again kicking her dad. 

“Oww!” 

Cora burst out laughing, he didn’t look amused. “I’m sorry Darling.” 

“I don’t know why you’re laughing, you’re just as bad as her.” 

Sybil had woken herself with the kick. Much like her mother, on opening her blue eyes and seeing Robert there, her face lit up. “Papa!” She threw her arms around him. 

Robert chuckled at the outpouring of affection. Any worries he’d had from the previous night dissolved instantly. Cora was right, of course she was, Sybil still loved him, she was pleased he was back. The grip she had round him made him feel stupid for ever doubting that. “Good morning sweetheart.” 

“Good morning Papa,” she chimed, pausing briefly, “it’s funny saying that.” 

“Is it?” 

“Yes, I haven’t said it in a very long time. It’s nice.” 

“Are you feeling better after last night?” 

“Uh huh,” 

“Do you remember what it was about?” 

“No.” He hoped above all that it wasn’t him that had caused the nightmare. 

“Well I’m glad you feel better no. How about, this morning, you and your sisters join me in the dining room for breakfast?” 

“Can we?” Her excitement evident in her voice caused Robert to chuckle. Only once before had she been allowed breakfast with her father in the dining room. Usually she ate with her sisters in the nursery. 

“I don’t see why not. You’ve all become quite the grown up little ladies since I’ve been away.” 

Up until then Cora had remained silent, happy to watch on as her husband and daughter bonded. “Am I allowed to join this breakfast?” 

Robert raised an eyebrow, “Do you think you can behave yourself?” 

Cora squinted, pretending to be in deep thought, “I think I can try.” Sybil giggled, finding her parent’s exchange endlessly funny. The joyful sound encouraged Robert. 

“Well in that case, if you promise to use your best manners, I’m sure we can find a seat for you somewhere...maybe.” 

Cora pouted. 

“There’s some dusty old chairs in the cellar I think. We’ll get Carson to bring you up one, just watch out for the spiders.” 

Both girls crumpled up their noses. They were so similar in their facial expression. 

“Papa?” 

“Yes Sybil.”   
“I’m quite hungry. Can we have bacon?” She batted her eyelashes in a way Cora had been known to do on occasion when she really wanted to get her own way. He was weak to it when Cora did it and it seemed he was weak to it with Sybil. She’d become amazingly like Cora since he’d been away, more so than he remembered her being. 

“We’ll see what Cook can do shall we?” 

Cora smirked, she may be 6 years old but Sybil had gotten her papa firmly wrapped around her little finger. “You’d better go and get dressed then and tell your sisters and nanny, hadn’t you?” 

The little one climbed over her mother, bounded off the bed and raced towards the door, skidding round the corner and off down the corridor. 

She called after her, “Sybil! Don’t run!” but it was no use, she was long gone. 

The couple laughed to themselves at the excitement and sheer energy she’d shown so early in the morning. Cora moved closer to Robert now that they were once again alone. She rested her head against his shoulder. 

“I know you’ve just got back but you shouldn’t spoil her too much.” 

“How can I resist?” 

“She may seem all cute and lovable but she’s able to become a complete little madam when she wants.” There spoke a voice of experience. 

“Wonder where she gets that from?” 

“Well she doesn’t get the cuteness from you.” 

He chuckled, “No that’s definitely a gift from you, along with the ability to make me give in to her every demand.” 

Cora yawned. 

“Tired?” 

She hummed in response, nuzzling into his shoulder further. 

“You could stay here. Go back to sleep and have breakfast in bed as usual.” He ran his hand up and down her arm. 

“No, I want to be with my family. I’ll get up.” She showed no sign of moving though with a combination of tiredness and enjoying Robert’s touch out weighing her desire to get up. 

“You can always have a sleep in the afternoon I suppose.” This moved her. She opened her eyes and looked at him mischievously. 

“I had been hoping you’d spend some time with me after lunch very much not sleeping.” 

His eyebrow rose with intrigue. 

“I was thinking we could make up for last night.” 

“I like your thinking.” He pulled his wife in closer for a kiss, quickly returning to how they’d been before they were disturbed the night before. 

“How long do reckon we have before they come looking for us?” 

“Not long enough,” Cora said with a sigh, rolling back onto her back. 

“There’s three of them to get dressed, though,” he said hopefully. 

“They’re much quicker than they used to be though and no doubt Sybil will be chivvying them on to get to breakfast as quickly as possible.” 

“We’d better get moving then,” Robert sat up swinging his legs out of bed, “come on.”


	11. Humbugs - Part 1

_14th August 1895_

"She hates me." Cora sighed as she waddled into the Library.

Robert looked up from his papers to watch his heavily pregnant wife lower herself onto the settee with a wince. "Who does?" he asked, returning to the work in front of him.

"She hates me Robert."

Robert found his wife utterly baffling sometimes. "Cora, what are you talking about?"

"Mary. She told me she hates me." He looked up at her again. She looked like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. "Robert my own little girl hates me." A single tear dropped out of the corner of her eye and rolled down her face. Robert took his handkerchief out of his jacket pocket and passed it over to her, sitting down next to her.

"I'm sure she doesn't. She actually said that? Whatever happened?"

"I went up to the nursery to see the girls. My back has been troubling me all day. Mary wanted me to play with her dolls house with her. I told her I couldn't because of my back and she got really cross with me. I told her off for being rude and she said I never play with her anymore and I only care for the baby," she paused to wipe at her tears, "then she said she hated me."

"She doesn't mean it. She's just a spoilt little girl in a bad mood saying the first thing to come to her head."

Cora shook her head. "She meant it Robert. You didn't see her. She was so angry with me."

Robert took her hand in his. "Angry and saying things she didn't mean. She's hot tempered and doesn't always think before she speaks. I hate to admit it but she's much like me in that respect. She should never have spoken to you like that but I promise you, she does not hate you." Cora said nothing. "Don't let it upset you. Let me go and talk to her."

...

"Nanny, Mary is going to come with me for a minute. I think we need to have a talk." Robert stood in the doorway of the nursery where Edith and Mary had been playing happily together under the supervision of their nanny. At the sound of her father's voice Mary turned around and stood up, suddenly looking very worried.

"Mary come with me please."

The little girl followed her father in silence out of the nursery down the corridor to the sitting room.

"Sit down." Robert waited for Mary to sit on the settee before taking a seat himself on the opposite chair. "I've been speaking to Mama. Would you like to tell me what happened this morning when she came to visit you?"

Mary looked down at her lap and shook her head.

"She told me you shouted at her and said something to her. Would you like to tell me what you said Mary?"

She kept her head hung low and mumbled something.

"Speak up. I cannot hear if you talk into your lap."

Mary raised her head but still did not meet her father's eye. "I just wanted her to play with me but she wouldn't because of the baby." She crossed her arms and frowned as she uttered the word baby with disgust.

"Mary Josephine you will not take that tone with me."

She hung her head again and Robert soften his voice. She needed to be told off for what she'd done but at the same time he was aware it was a situation that needed to be handled carefully. There were obviously reasons for Mary's outburst which needed to be dealt with without adding further fuel to her fire.

"You said something to your Mama that made her extremely upset. You know what it was don't you?"

Mary's head shot up, "She is sad?"

Robert nodded gravely, "Very."

As the realisation set in Mary began to cry. "I didn't mean it. I was cross."

"I know you were but that does not mean you can say hurtful things. Especially to your Mama. You made her really very upset Mary. In future you must learn to think about what you say before you say it. Saying you hate someone is a horrid thing."

Mary cried even harder. "I didn't mean it."

"I know you didn't but it doesn't make it right. Your Mama would love nothing more than to be able to play with both you and Edith but she can't at the moment."

"Because of the baby."

"Because of her back. When the new baby comes you are going to be a big sister again and you need to start behaving like one. There will be a new member in our family, a new baby brother or sister but this does not mean you're loved any less. You must remember that Mary. Mama may not have as much time to play with you as she does normally. She may be tired or busy with the baby but it doesn't mean she does not love you or want to ever spend time with you.

When I was a boy Granny never played with me or aunt Rosamund. Not like your Mama does. You're a lucky girl. You need to remember that. You have to learn that you can't always get what you want in life and not getting what you want is no reason to hurt people and be rude. You're a young lady, you need to behave like one."

Mary hiccoughed, tears still rolling down her face.

"Now come on. Stop crying." He reached in his pocket for his handkerchief before remembering that Cora had it. "Why don't we go and clean your face and then I think you have someone you need to say sorry to, don't you?"

"Yes," Mary sniffled. "I really didn't mean it Papa."

"I know darling. Come on." The two stood up, Mary taking her father's hand and set off.

"Papa, is Mama really sad?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Because of what I said?"

"Yes," Robert looked down at the little girl holding his hand and she looked decidedly glum but he could also see the cogs whirring in her brain, "Her sore back isn't helping either."

"We should be nice to her," Mary announced like she'd just made a great decision.

"I think it's best to always be nice to Mama."

"Yes but can we do something extra nice for her Papa?"

His daughter was on to something. The baby was due soon and Cora deserved a treat. This pregnancy had been harder than the others and he felt like spoiling his wife.

"What were you thinking?"

...

"How's your back?"

"Sore." Cora replies sounding utterly fed up. Robert had just arrived from his dressing room where he’d been getting ready for bed. Cora was already curled up uncomfortably on her side of the bed as he discarded his dressing gown.

"Do you want me to call for Dr Clarkson tomorrow?"

"No. Unless he can get this baby out of me there's no point."

"You need to keep it in for a few more weeks yet."

"Need you remind me?"

Robert chuckled to himself. It had been the same with the other two girls, by eight months she'd get thoroughly sick of being pregnant and would demand at least once that he go find someone to 'get this baby out of me,' and every time he'd have to remind her it wasn't time yet and that it should probably do good to leave it where it was just a little longer.

As he climbed into bed she let out a hiss that caused him to freeze.

"Sorry. Do you want me to go sleep next door?"

"No. Stay." The last thing she wanted was to suffer alone, "Please."

He continued to get in bed moving as carefully as he could so as not to jostle the mattress too much.

"As you wish, but do tell me if I'm hurting you. I'll try to stay as still as possible." He was always so nice to her during all the pregnancies, checking up on her, making sure she was okay. There came a point however when, endearing as his concern was, Cora started to find it jarring.

"Robert it's fine. Honesty. I want you here."

"As long as you're sure."

"Yes Robert." Even with her back to him he knew she was rolling her eyes at him.

She shifted slightly, stopping with a sigh. "All I want is to lie on my back but I don't think I can move."

Robert moved as gently as he could over to her and kissed her shoulder. He reached down and began to rub her lower back.

"Helping?"

Cora murmured in agreement.

"What are we going to do about Mary?"

"I think she will be fine. She just needs to realise the world doesn't revolve around her."

"Well, she is a Crawley…"

"I'm choosing to ignore that comment. I think my talk helped her."

"I don't want her to think we've forgotten about her but she needs to realise the baby – oww –"

"Sorry."

"She's going to a big sister again." She turned her head slightly, "I didn't ask you to stop. Just not so hard." Robert resumed rubbing his wife's back. "Edith's no longer going to be the baby either. It's been just the two of them for a while. I don't want them to resent me or the baby."

"Cora. Sweetheart." Robert stopped massaging her back and pressed a kiss to her temple. He wrapped his arm around her waist, letting his hand resting on her large bump. Cora threaded her fingers with his as his thumb stroked her palm. "The girls will not resent you or the baby. Mary was distraught at the thought that she'd upset you. She loves you. They both do."

Cora sighed.

"They're going to be so excited once the baby arrives. As long as we make a point to spend some time with them I really cannot see there being a problem."

"I could do with spending some more time with them. I haven't spent as much –ooff-"

"I felt that." Robert stroked over where the baby had just kicked.

"Be glad it isn't your insides being kicked!"

Robert stroked her stomach again.

"Maybe I should spend some time with them both, individually."

Robert agreed, "They would like that."

"Yes, I'll spend the morning with them."

"You need to get some rest though. Spend the afternoon with them. You don't want to worsen your back."

Cora turned her head and looked at Robert. "What are you up to?"

"I'm not up to anything. I just want to be sure you are rested enough for when the baby arrives."

Cora looked sceptical. He was definitely up to something.


	12. Humbugs - Part 2

15th August 1895

Cora woke the next morning feeling much better than she had the day before. The baby had woken her up kicking her in the middle of the night but had settled back down quickly. Aside from that she'd had a good night's sleep. After a leisurely morning spent having breakfast and getting dressed she decided it would be good to go to the nursery and see the girls while she was still feeling good. For the time being her back felt fine.

Cora's plans however were scuppered as soon as she entered the nursery to find it empty. She rang the bell.

Carson appeared quickly, "Milady?"

"Where are the girls?" she asked, taking a seat. She may have been feeling better than she had done in a few days but she was still heavily pregnant and standing around wasn't good for her.

"I believe Miss Mary is out with his Lordship, Milady, and Miss Edith has not long left for a walk with Nanny. They won't be far."

Had it not been for her current state she may have been tempted to try and catch up with them but it was most definitely beyond her at the moment.

"Oh." She felt disappointed. She'd been quite looking forward to seeing her girls. It crossed her mind to ask Carson where Robert and Mary had gone but she got the feeling she wouldn't get a straight answer from him. As she'd suspected the night before, Robert was definitely up to something.

...

"How about the peonies?" Robert looked down at the little girl holding his hand. She looked confused.

"Peonies?" she asked.

"These ones Lady Mary." The gardener pointed over to the flowers Robert had in mind. Her face lit up.

"Pink!"

"Do you think Mama will like them?" Robert asked.

"Yes. She will love them."

With his daughters approval Robert asked the gardener to snip off some of the best flowers to put in a vase as part of his and Mary's plan.

"What about purple. Her favourite colour is purple. We should have purple flowers." Mary scanned round the garden as she spoke. The gardener set off to the other side of the flower garden followed closely by Mary.

"How will these do?" He pointed to some lilac.

"Perfect!" Mary said clapping her hands together in delight.

Robert couldn't help but smile at his daughter. He gave the nod for the flowers to be cut.

"Well Mary, that's the flowers, what next?" He looked to her for her answer.

"The village," she said with a definite tone.

The pair went to the bakers and purchased four iced buns with sticky icing before going next door to the grocers and picking up a bottle of lemonade. As they walked back to the carriage Robert felt Mary tug on his arm.

"Papa? May we go in here please?" She gestured to the shop with a window full of glass jars. Each jar was filled with brightly coloured sweets that the sun caught beautifully.

"Not today Mary. We have buns." Iced buns and lemonade were enough treats.

"Not for me." She fished about in her pocket and pulled out sixpence. "For Mama. I want to buy her a present."

...

Alone in the house Cora had quickly gotten fed up again and had returned to her room for a lie down. Around lunchtime a knock came at her door. She sat up.

"Come in."

Carson appeared holding a folded piece of paper that he gave to her. She opened it to find a note written in Robert's familiar hand but signed at the bottom with a wobbly "Lady Mary".

Dear Mama,

Please come to the day room.

Lady Mary

She folded the note over once more, running her nails across the crease.

"Well Carson, I do believe I've been summoned."

To her surprise, Cora found the day room to be empty on arrival. She had expected Robert and Mary at least, but they were nowhere to be seen. Unlike the room, the table was not empty.

In the middle sat a large vase of flowers in pinks and purples. Next to them was a tea stand laden with sandwiches, scones and cakes. Four cups and saucers were on the table next to the teapot, sugar dish and milk jug. A silver cloche sat covering something Cora couldn't even begin to guess at what it was.

From the corridor she heard quiet chatter from her approaching family. She turned around to see them walk through the door.

"Surprise!" Mary cheered.

"Surprise!" Edith shouted, copying her sister.

A huge grin spread across Cora's face. Something about the sight of her small family made her heart swell with happiness until it felt like it would burst. For a brief second she tried to imagine what it would look like with another girl or boy stood beside them. It was difficult to imagine. She wasn't sure she could physically love another person as much as she already loved the three people stood before her.

"What a wonderful surprise!" Edith ran over to her mother and sidled up next to her. Cora mindlessly reached down and stroked her hair. "Did you organise this Mary?"

"Yes, Papa and I. Edith didn't help."

"Mary." Robert's voice was low and warning

"She didn't." Mary whined. She looked at Robert. His expression quickly told her not to say anything else on the matter.

Cora moved the conversation on before anything could happen. "Where am I to sit then?"

Mary ran over to the table and pointed to seat she'd chosen for Cora. "I'm here," she stood behind the chair next to Cora's, "and Papa is next to me and Edith is there." She pointed over to the remaining chair. Robert pulled out the chair for his wife and waited for her to sit before going to his own place.

"Well this does look a feast fit for a king. What a treat to have tea with my family." Cora looked round the table. Edith's eyes were trained on the iced buns. She could see she was practically itching to grab one. Mary was doing her best attempt to be a proper lady. He eye caught Robert's and they both smiled. "So what, pray tell, is under here?" She pointed over to the cloche.

Robert answered, "You need to ask Mary about that."

Mary straighten up even more and looked immensely proud of herself. "It's for you Mama. I've brought you a present."

"A present? For me?"

Mary nodded.

"May I look?"

Mary nodded again even more enthusiastically.

Cora reached over to lift the cloche. As she did a waft of peppermint filled the air. She put the cloche down and peered inside the brown paper bag it had revealed. The peppermint smell increased as she unfolded the top of the bag. Inside were a number of black and white striped sweets.

"Humbugs! My favourite." During this pregnancy she'd especially craved them. She leant over and gave Mary a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you darling. What a thoughtful gift."

Mary was beaming. "You're welcome Mama."

"Shall we start before Edith explodes?" Cora giggled. During the time spent looking the humbugs, Edith had sneaked an iced bun on to her plate and was now looking at it in the manner of cat eyeing up a mouse.

"Sandwiches first girls." Robert told them. He was bringing up young ladies after all.

"Oh Robert, let them be."

Edith sat, bun raised to her lips, glancing between her mother and father. At the shake of his head and a wink from her mother she took a large bite. Mary on the other hand was nibbling daintily on a cucumber sandwich. She rolled her eyes at Edith but secretly wished she was eating a bun first as well.

Once the girls were absorbed in munching through their feast Cora whispered over to Robert. "Did she really buy those herself?" She nodded towards the sweets.

"Yes." Robert answered as if it were a perfectly normal response.

"Where did she get the money from?"

Robert hadn't thought about this. "I'm not sure. She just produced sixpence and said she wanted to get you a present."

"Mama," Cora turned to see Edith tugging on her arm, "may I have some lemonade please?"

"Of course." She poured her a glass and some for Mary while Robert poured the adults a cup of tea. The mystery of the sixpence was forgotten.


	13. Leaving - Part 1

_1st December 1899_

Cora had been quiet all evening. Too quiet. During dinner it had gone unnoticed by everyone except Robert thanks to his sister's constant chatter. After dinner it had been more noticeable but everyone let her be, knowing exactly why she wasn't being her usual self. Now, in bed, the silence hung between them. They both sat reading by the light of the oil lamps. Robert's occasional glances over to his wife found her eyes fixed on the pages in front of her. The way she chewed her lip separated her fixation from enthralment in the book to a method of distraction. He was sure if he asked what she'd just read she'd have no idea.

If Robert had learnt anything in the ten years he'd spent married to Cora it was that talking lead to a happy marriage. Talking about how he felt wasn't something that he found particularly easy but talking through problems with Cora often helped. He had a good idea what was troubling Cora, he didn't need to ask her, but he knew she'd feel better for talking to him. "Cora?"

She quickly closed her book and set it down on the bedside table. "I'm tired." She mumbled putting out the lamp and laying down. Robert looked over at her, frowning. Clearly she didn't want to discuss the situation. "You can keep reading if you want."

"No, no. I'm tired as well." He also set down his book and turned out the light. As he lay down Cora curled up to his side. He wrapped his arms around her as she drew even closer to him. Neither of them spoke. They just lay in silence holding each other wondering if the other would fall asleep.

"Don't go," she whispered.

"Cora," he whispered back, "I have to." Under the cover of darkness she was finally opening up.

"Please. Don't go." Her voice was tinged with sadness and desperation. He knew this had been brewing all day. He sighed, not sure if he wanted to have this conversation after all.

"Cora I can't not go. They're expecting me tomorrow."

"Just don't go. We can send a message. Tell them you have to stay here."

"Don't be silly. You know I can't do that."

She was crying fiercely now.

"Cora, darling, don't do this."

"I don't want you to go."

"I know but I have to. It's my duty."

She flinched back from him. "Duty to whom?" Her enquiry was terse and sharp. What had started as a sorrow filled attempt to get him to stay was building in hostility.

"My Queen and country."

"This country!" She'd snapped and pounded his chest as she spoke. "Always this darn country. I hate this country, I hate it. If it's not the country then it's the estate, the abbey, always the abbey. But what about your duty to me Robert? To the girls? Robert please, I'm asking you. Don't go."

"Cora, please. Don't do this." He wished he'd never tried to speak to her.

"Why? Why shouldn't I? Why can't it be about me?" She'd worked herself into such a state she had to stop briefly and catch her breath. "Just this once, why can't you just think about me?" She sounded so utterly crushed, Robert felt his chest constrict.

“Because I'm scared. I'm…" He couldn't believe he was admitting this. "I need to know you're being strong, that you're there beside me. Of course I think about you. You're the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing before I sleep.”

"Because I'm next you when you sleep and wake. You won't think of me when you're over there." She knew she was just being petty for the sake of it now but she couldn't stop herself. All she wanted was for him to stay.

"Cora," He felt a surge of frustration and took a deep breath to calm down. There was no use in the two of them screaming at each other, not now, the night before he left, "please, let me finish. I know we are going to be miles apart but I need you to be strong for me. Cora I have to do this, you know that don't you?" She didn't agree but she didn't deny it. "Tomorrow is going to be difficult. Saying goodbye to you and the girls. It's not going to be easy for me, for any of us. Promise me you'll be strong. Cora I need to know you're by my side. I don't want to have to go away knowing I've hurt you and that you don't support me. Every time I think of you I want to know you'll be here, home, waiting for me, supporting me from our home. Promise me, tomorrow you'll be strong, for me."

"Promise me you'll come back."

"I can't do that."

Cora whimpered.

"I can't make you a promise I might not be able to keep."

"Then don't go."

"I have to. But I promise you this, I will do everything I can to come back to you." He took her hands in his own. "I promise you I'm going to stay as safe as I can. If anything happens I want you to know I've done everything I could in the circumstances to look after myself."

"That's all I can ask for isn't it?" Cora had known deep down he'd always go no matter how much she didn't want him to. It was a battle she'd never win; something he'd have to do no matter how much it scared her. The fact it scared him equally as much came as something of a relief to her. They both knew the dangers he would soon face and the fact that they scared him weirdly provided some comfort. He wasn't just running off to war gung-ho. "Promise me you will try and keep yourself safe."

"I promise." He squeezed her hands.

"Then I promise I'll be…" Cora sniffed back a tear, pulling herself together. She'd let him know how she felt about him leaving and now she knew how he felt. There was no use in fighting. It would make no positive difference. Now was the time to be strong. Her task was set. Robert needed her. He needed her to hold it all together, so that he in turn could do the same. In that moment, no matter how difficult it would be, she decided to be there for her husband because he needed her more than she needed him. With a new found determination she told him, "I'll be brave."

"That's all I can ask." He pressed a soft kiss to her lips before wiping at her tear streaked face.

"I've made my pillow all soggy." They both chuckled.

"You can turn it over." She nestled her face into the crook of his neck and rested her arm across his chest. Robert stroked it as they lay together.

"It's going to be hard." Her breath tickled against his neck as she spoke. His nightshirt felt wet round the collar where he'd not wiped her tears properly. Nothing about the coming few weeks would be easy but Robert felt confident they get through it.

"I know it is."


	14. Leaving - Part 2

_2nd December 1899_

As with any big departure from Downton Abbey, the family and staff had gathered outside the house to wave off Lord Grantham. They stood in rows. Robert's parents, Cora and the girls. Behind them and to the left the head members of staff, the housekeeper, butler, nanny, they all stood waiting for Robert's departure.

He'd already said his goodbyes to his father with a firm handshake. He'd given his mother a kiss on the cheek. All three of his daughters stood side by side in height order next to their mother. Each of them in turn gave him a kiss on the cheek until he reached Cora.

With everything that had been said the night before fresh in her mind Cora put on a brave smile.

"Stay safe."

Robert took Cora's left hand in his own and brought it to his lips, kissing her knuckles right by her wedding ring.

Vaguely aware that the staff had nearly finished loading up the carriage Cora didn't want to drag this out. The kiss seemed to say all he wanted to. She looked over to carriage. "It's time."

Robert nodded in agreement. His silence made her even more aware that he was nervous.

Suddenly Sybil rushed forward and grabbed her father's wrist.

"Papa, don't go." She looked up at him with big tear filled eyes.

The way she looked at him reminded him of Cora. "I have to, but I'll be home soon," he told her.

She frowned and gripped on to his trouser leg with her other hand. "No." she said firmly, "Stay."

Nearby Mary sighed dramatically and rolled her eyes. "He can't Sybil. Stop being such a baby."

"Papa." Sybil whined, tears now rolling down her face.

One look at Robert's face and Cora knew she had to step in. This was quickly descending into madness. Normally when the girls stepped out of line Robert would be quick to correct them. Today, however, he didn't seem to be reacting. He didn't look cross or sad. There was just nothing. Cora suspected he was hiding a great amount of guilt behind a British stiff upper lip.

"Mary!" She fixed her oldest with a no nonsense glare before crouching down to eye level with her youngest, "Sweetheart Papa has to go."

"No Mama," Sybil pouted.

Cora bit back a sigh of despair. "Yes Sybil."

"NO!" She stomped her foot and crossed her arms.

With her nerves already frayed, Cora was quick to snap. "Sybil! Papa has to go. He won't be back for a while and he doesn't want the last time he sees you for a while to be you being naughty does he?" Sybil shook her head sadly. "We're going to miss Papa but he'll be back, so in the meantime we need to be brave. Papa doesn't want to think of us being sad."

Her speech seemed not only to have brought Sybil round but Robert as well.

"I will be back soon," he told Sybil.

"Give Papa a kiss." Cora stood up, picking Sybil up with her. She wrapped her legs around her waist.

"Goodbye Papa," she sniffled.

"Bye." He leant over and Sybil kissed him on the cheek.

As Robert walked off towards the carriage, Sybil rested her head against Cora's shoulder and sighed unhappily. Cora knew exactly how she felt. She was watching her husband leave for Africa not knowing when or if he would return.

She couldn't leave it like this. She promptly put Sybil down, calling his name. He stopped and turned around as she threw all proprietary to the wind and ran toward him, hitching up her skirts round her ankles.

She slowed just before reaching him giving them a moment just to look at each other. Cora bit down on her lip, hoping it would mask its tremble.

"I love you," she blurted. She didn't care that the staff and his mother was watching. She couldn't let him go without telling him.

He looked her straight in the eye and said, "I love you, more than you could ever imagine."

At his words she felt the hot prickle of tears. Before she could break her promise and let him see her upset she threw herself into his arms, crushing her lips against his. This was not a kiss for others to see, especially not the staff, but in that moment none of them existed.

"Stay safe."

"I'll see you soon."

Cora nodded. They both knew this was it. Cora took a step back and let him go. He turned his back to her and climbed into the carriage.

She stayed where she was as one of the staff closed the door to the carriage and called to the driver that everything was ready for departure. Robert looked out of the window at her and she gave him a smile, hoping he'd buy it.

The carriage pulled forwards and he moved his attention over to his daughters and parents. He waved at them as the horse and carriage travelled down the drive. No doubt they were waving back at him but Cora couldn't bear to turn around and look.

She stayed rooted as the carriage disappeared into the distance. A hot tear suddenly rolled down her cheek. She blinked furiously stopping any others from joining it. She swiped it from her face and pulled herself together. She could hear the girls squabbling behind her.

The fact they were arguing so openly suggested Violet and Patrick had gone back inside. It was cold outside after all; they wouldn't linger. To Cora however, the thought of going inside Downton, felt oppressive. She wasn't ready yet.

The girls no doubt were upset but she couldn't comfort them and take them inside. She didn't want them seeing her so upset.

She called over her shoulder to them, still unable to turn around and face them.

"Girls go inside with nanny."

Her voice wobbled and she hated herself for it.

They quietened down instantly and Cora vaguely heard their nanny ushering them away in hushed tones.

With no leaves on the trees and the outcast sky, the ground seemed bleak.

He may not be there but she still had a duty to him to represent him while he was away. Her role in the house now even more important than ever.

It was down to her now no matter how unprepared she felt without him.

She took a deep breath and went inside.


	15. Chickenpox - Part 1

_September 1902,_

"Out!"

Robert had only managed to stick his head around the door between their rooms before Cora had ordered him away.

"I only wanted to see how my girls were," he said sheepishly.

"We're fine, now out with you."

Cora sat in the middle of the bed with rather spotty Edith and Sybil either side of her. Sybil lay sprawled all over her side, scratching at her arm in her sleep. Cora reached over and stilled her hand.

Edith lay curled up on the other side looking tired and fed up. She looked up at her father and attempted a smile before taking the book, she'd obviously been reading with Cora before he entered, from Cora's lap and continued reading by herself.

"Do you need anything?"

"No," she stopped herself from getting too cross with him, he only wanted to help, "thank you. We have staff to get anything we need, you know that Robert, staff who have already had chicken pox."

He sighed.

"Go on, go. Close the door."

"Can I kiss you good night?"

"No Robert!" She laughed at his crestfallen expression. "I'll make it up to you in the morning. Now please, I beg you, get out. The last thing I want is you catching this."

"Fine," he said defeated, stepping back into his room and closing the door behind him.

"I don't want to see your face again until tomorrow when I come to you." Cora called.

Cora wasn't sure how long she'd been asleep, or even when she'd dozed off when she heard a quiet tap at her door followed by the whisper of her name.

"Cora? Are you awake?"

She quickly glanced either side of her. Sybil still laid sprawled out on one side while Edith lay curled up on the other. The book they had been reading had fallen off her lap and was wedged in between them. The room was dark except for the soft glow of the lamp. She squinted over at the clock. It wasn't too late. In fact, any other day and she may have only just been making her way up to bed.

The tap happened again, accompanied with the slow opening of the door joining hers and Robert's rooms.

"Robert," she whispered, "I thought I said I didn't want to see you again until morning?"

He poked his head around the door.

"Are they asleep?" He ignored her question.

"Yes."

"Come and see me then. I don't need to come in the room."

She shook her head. "You're so soft sometimes." Still, she managed to extract herself from her bed and made her way over to him.

"Mama?"

Robert's face fell as all hope of sneaking his wife into his own room for the night was dashed.

"Yes sweetheart?"

"Where are you going?"

"Nowhere, try and go back to sleep."

Thankfully she seemed to placate her daughter and she went back to sleep. She turned her attention back to Robert.

"I've got to go. I'll see you tomorrow."

"I haven't seen you all day. I just wanted to talk to you."

"What about?" Cora wondered if there was something important he needed to discuss and this was why he kept trying to come and see her.

"Nothing particular. I just wanted to talk to you. Don't fret, I'm being silly. I'll see you tomorrow." He leant into the room and briefly kissed her. "Goodnight."

His bashfulness told Cora what was really going on; he was feeling lonely. There were days when she'd sit doing her needlepoint in the sitting room, glancing at the clock, waiting for him to come home. It seemed Robert had been having one of those days. A day when you are aware you're being needy but you crave the company of a certain person.

"No, go on, we can talk. You just can't come in. I know you think me cruel but I really don't want for you to catch chickenpox. It's so much worse for adults. I'd hate to see you suffer."

"I know, you always have my best interests at heart."

Cora suddenly sat down where she was on her side of the door. Robert looked down at her with a bemused frown.

"Sit," she instructed him.

He did as he was told. Cora drew her legs up, allowing her to push the door to nearly closed.

"Mustn't let the chickenpox out."

Robert chuckled quietly.

"Mama?" Their daughter called out again, sitting up in the bed.

"I'm here darling, lie down."

They sat quietly until it seemed Sybil had gone back to sleep.

"How was your day?" Cora asked him through the small gap in the door.

"Good, "he told her, "The repairs to the Johnson farm are coming along well. The roof is nearly complete. I took Pharaoh over with me. He seemed to enjoy the long walk."

"You love that dog more than you love me," Cora chuckled.

"That's simply not true my love." He reached through the gap between the door and the jamb and took hold of her fingers. "He does make good company in your absence though."

She playfully scowled at him until they both dissolved into stifled giggles, mindful of waking the children. As their laughter stopped Cora noticed Robert smiling at her. She smiled coyly back at him. It was funny how he still managed to occasionally make her blush simply by looking at her.

"How old were you when you had chickenpox?"

"Ten I think. About the same age as Edith."

"I bet you were always up to mischief as a young girl."

Cora feigned a look of deep shock.

"I was a perfect little lady," she giggled then yawned.

Robert squeezed her hand. "Go to bed."

"I thought we were talking?"

"No go on. You've had a long day." He gestured towards her bed. "You can tell me all about what a perfect child you were another day." He stood up and she followed.

Cora pulled the door open and kissed him goodnight.

"Goodnight my love."

"Sleep well."


	16. Chickenpox - Part 2

Robert didn't even look up from his paper when Cora entered the dining hall that morning. He assumed it was one of the staff bringing something or other into the room. If he'd thought about it properly he would have realized those were Cora's footsteps across the wooden floors but the morning's paper had all his attention.

"Good morning darling." Cora leant in and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Cora!" he exclaimed, "What are you doing down here?"

She moved towards the chair to his left and sat.

"I thought I'd have breakfast with my husband," she glanced up at Carson, who was stood behind Robert, he briefly nodded his head and left the room to inform the kitchen of the new breakfast arrangement, "If that's fine with you, that is." She was teasing in her asking of permission. She wasn't going anywhere even if he said no, which he wouldn't.

"Of course you can," he closed the paper, giving her his full attention. "How are the girls?"

"I left Mary asleep in my bed-"

"Mary?"

"She snuck in in the middle of the night. She must have been feeling truly miserable bless her."

"Poor girl. You must have had quite the bed full. There wouldn't have been any room for me even if I hadn't been banished."

Cora reached across the table for his hand. "It was for your own good," she stated matter of factly.

Robert took her hand and laced their fingers together. "I know." He made the most of Carson's absence, "I missed you last night."

"I missed you too." She smiled softly at him.

Carson soon entered followed by some servants with the breakfast. Cora and Robert let go of each others hands and breakfast was served.

"How are the other two?"

"Much brighter. I sent them to the nursery for their breakfast. They're still itching but at least they seem to be feeling better."

"Good. Good."

"What are your plans for today?"

"I need to go into the village at luncheon for a meeting with Dawson. Mama's coming for dinner tonight."

"I remember."

Robert tugged at his collar, "Is it just me or is it a trifle stuffy in here today?"

Cora frowned at him. She didn't feel particularly warm. "Not particularly darling. You do look flushed. How are you feeling?"

"Hot."

Cora stood up and pressed her hand against his forehead. She sighed heavily causing him to press his own hands against his burning cheeks.

"I told you not to come into that room."

"You don't think I've caught it don't you?" Robert's voice was a higher pitch than normal.

She took her hand off his forehead and place them on her hips. "I severely hope not! You're unbearable when you're sick."

Robert looked put out. "I am not."

Cora raised an eyebrow and stared at him pointedly. He didn't protest any further.

"Coming to think of it," Robert said, "my legs do feel achy–"

Cora rolled her eyes, "Robert that's not a symptom."

"–and my arms feel a bit itchy."

"Do you have any spots?" Cora asked, stopping him before he came to the conclusion he was dying.

"Not that I know of."

"Well then you can't possibly feel itchy yet."

"Yet? You do think I've got it, don't you?" Robert's voice raised three more tones in panic.

"You've got a temperature I'll give you that." Cora looked down at him sympathetically. "It might be nothing but it might be worth cancelling luncheon."

"I don't have time to be unwell Cora."

"I know darling." She patted him on the head. Sometimes she found herself dealing with him just like she would the children. "Just take it slowly today. It might turn out to be nothing."

"But I've probably got chickenpox," Robert announced glumly.

Cora couldn't help but laugh at his self pity. "Just try not to think about it. Read your paper. I'm going to go check on the girls." She kissed him on the cheek and left him to wallow. On the way up the stairs, she said a quick prayer that God would show her some mercy, the thought of Robert with chickenpox really was too much.


	17. Party - Part 1

_2nd July 1890 _

Robert looked around the room, his guests seemed to be having fun, but someone was missing. His wife had done a disappearing act. At first he'd thought she'd just gone to powder her nose, but that was at least 20 minutes ago now. At least Charles Coren was here. He'd been obviously flirting with Cora earlier in the night. Robert had been watching them as he danced with the Duke of Scarborough's wife. Deep down he knew Cora would stay faithful to him but the way she giggled and blushed at Charles' advances before deflecting them left him feeling the sharp stab of jealousy.

It was strange that Cora had been missing for such a long time though. Robert tried to think of when he'd last seen her. It was ages ago and she'd seemed happy enough chatting away with some of the ladies. He moved out into the hall to see if she was there. No such luck. Surely she wasn't upstairs? Convinced she wouldn't be but still with the earlier pang of jealousy in the back of him mind he quickly nipped upstairs to Cora's room. Instead of Cora all he found was a housemaid checking on the fires.

"You haven't seen Lady Crawley have you?"

"No milord."

"If you do please tell her I'm looking for her." Robert raced back off downstairs before the maid could respond.

At the bottom of the stairs he bumped into Carlson carrying a tray of drinks.

"Ah milord, I do apologise."

"No, no, that was me. I wasn't looking where I was going. Carlson you haven't seen Lady Crawley recently have you by any chance? I can't seem to find her."

"As a matter of fact milord I have. About half an hour ago. She went out into the gardens. She didn't look terribly happy, milord, if you don't mind me saying."

"Thank you Carlson. I can always rely on you to know the happenings of this house. Was she with anyone?"

"No milord."

"You don't happen to know which way she went do you?"

"Not really milord, she turned left I believe but that's about all I know."

"Thank you Carlson. You've been very informative."

Robert made his way out into the garden. The night pleasant enough, cloudless and for the time being he was enjoying the breeze that was currently cooling him down from the stuffy heat of the party. Once he'd cooled down however he was sure he'd start to feel a slight chill.

Robert didn't know whether to feel relieved or more frustrated in his quest to find Cora. He now knew she was, or at least had been, in the gardens. He was one step closer to finding her but out here there were even more places she could be than there had been in the house, plus now he only had the moonlight to aid him.

He decided to first do a lap of the house on the off chance she'd just stepped out to get some air and wasn't actually far. That lap alone took him a good while given the size of the Abbey. After a brief word with a chauffeur waiting outside for their master he confirmed that she hadn't returned to the house while he'd doing his circuit.

This was going to require greater thought. He tried to put himself in her shoes. Where would he go if he was upset and presumably wanted to hide from a party?

He tried a bench halfway across the lawns that they often stopped to sit at when out walking. No luck. He racked his brain further. Surely she would not have wandered that far. Then it hit him, the secret gardens, a perfect place to hide.

He headed off in its direction deciding if she wasn't there he'd go back inside and check she hadn't returned through another door. There was evidence that spring had sprung at Downton all around him. The air smelt of it. The days were warming up but the evenings were still chilly and he was starting to feel the cold.

"There you are."

He found her sitting on a bench in the secret garden. She didn't move, just stared off into the distance completely lost in thought.

"Cora." He placed a hand on her shoulder causing her to jump. Her skin was cold beneath his fingertips. "Sorry, you were miles away."

She turned her head away from him, apparently transfixed by some pansies. She was so clearly upset.

"I've been looking everywhere for you," Robert said softly as he settled himself down next to her. She sniffed slightly but didn't say anything. He took her hand where it rested on her leg and laced their fingers together. She immediately curled into him and rested her head on his shoulder.

Her hands were freezing. Despite the urge to tell her, because it would surely irritate her, he said nothing, instead he took off his jacket and placed it round her shoulders.

"Robert–" she protested.

"Just let me."

"I'm fine."

"I know you are, but oblige a man in his quest to feel chivalrous." He took her hand again and she rested her head once more on his shoulder. Robert noticed her discreetly pulling the jacket tighter around her body and smiled to himself.

"It's a nice quiet little spot you've found yourself out here."

"I couldn't stand it in there any longer."

"Who's upset you?"

Cora visibly prickled and held back whatever she wanted to say.

"Cora?"

"She just makes me so angry."

Robert had a fair idea who she might be talking about.

"Talking about me like I don't even exist, let alone am stood in the very same room as her." She raised her voice as she started to rant, getting more and more frustrated as she explained. "She just thinks of me as an unsightly stain on the family."

"Oh." There was no doubt in Robert's mind now as to who she was talking about. He listened carefully, trying to connect the dots as to what had happened.

"You British people are supposed to be renowned for not having feelings but it's as if she thinks me not real. Like I have no feelings at all and she can say whatever she wants and I'll just smile and agree like an idiotic American."

Cora stood up, the jacket slipping from her shoulders. She was really angry now.

"She blames me entirely. She was talking about me like I'm some common... harlot! No self-control apparently."

She reached her peak, the anger started to overwhelm her, causing a whole host of new emotions. Tears threatened, which made her even crosser.

"What if she's right? What if I haven't saved the family? What if I've just dragged out its death?"

"Death? Cora, the Crawley family is not dying out. Not on my watch." She hit a nerve and he felt himself blustering. She was just angry and upset but it cut him deep. Marrying her had given the family the money they so desperately needed to ensure their survival but without an heir the family wasn't safe. He hadn't realised quite how much pressure Cora had been feeling. His part was done when he married her. She now had to give her part.

"You need an heir."

"Yes and there will be. There's still so much time, let's just enjoy it." It never occurred to him there wouldn't be. Truthfully, he probably thought she would have been at least pregnant by now but these things weren't to be rushed. He hadn't been too concerned.

"Will there?" Doubt and worry firmly set in to her voice.

"Of course there will, why wouldn't there?"

"Because I probably can't have children."

A rush of panic set in for a second before the rest of the sentence caught up with him. Probably, that was the key word here. He told himself to calm down and think about this logically, Cora was upset and angry, he needed the facts before he should panic. It was possible she was just being dramatic due to her emotions but it didn't settle the worry in his stomach.

"Who says you can't have children?"

"Your mother!" The anger flared again and Robert felt a quiet rush of relief.

"And is Mama a trained physician?"

"No, but there's obviously something wrong with me."

"What makes you say that?"

Cora couldn't believe how dense Robert was being. Why was he not worried about this? "It's been a year Robert. We've been married nearly a whole year and there's still no sign of a child." Admitting out loud how long it had been filled her with a sense of guilt. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Don't ever be sorry. Who's to say it's even you? What if I'm the reason there's no child yet? Have you considered that?" He hadn't actually considered it himself. Just like he hadn't considered there being a real problem that would stop them from producing an heir. He'd always assumed it would happen. "There's still time. These things can't be rushed."

"How much longer though Robert, really?"

"If you're really worried, why don't you make an appointment with Dr. Clarkson, see if there is anything he can suggest?"

"And what if he says I can't have children?"

"Then we will deal with that when it happens. Cora, I will still love you no matter what happens, you do know that don't you?"

"You–?" Cora stared at him, stunned. It was at that point that he realised what he'd said. He'd realised it himself about a month ago but had yet to vocalise his feelings. When he thought about it, and he'd thought about it a lot, he'd fallen for her so slowly over the last few months that it had taken him by surprise once he’d realised. He'd known she loved him from the start, the few awkward declarations had told him as much. She hadn't told him for months now though, probably too embarrassed by his inability to respond to the times she had.

The longer Robert had gone without telling her he loved her, the more he'd worried about how he would tell her. There had been times when he'd come close but he'd always changed his mind at the last moment, worried his declaration wasn't good enough after all this time. It had to be an event, something she would treasure and hopefully, in part, make up for the times their love had been unrequited.

Cora still stood before him, wide eyed and speechless. The words had slipped out naturally and without a second thought. He really did mean them but now as she stood, still not saying anything he started to wonder if he'd made a terrible error.

Then she did something he hadn't expected, she started to cry.

"Cora?" he asked tentatively. Tears had been the last thing he'd imagined. Was she sad? Cross? He didn't understand.

Cora herself wasn't particularly sure why she'd suddenly started crying either. She felt happy, relieved even, but yet she was crying. She'd fallen in love with Robert before they'd married, despite knowing Robert hadn't felt the same. Over the months she'd contented herself with the fact he was kind and affectionate towards her and they both enjoyed each other's company. She saw many other couples who married under the same conditions as themselves who couldn't even say that. So she counted herself lucky and tried to ignore the small flame of hope that one day he'd feel the same as she did.

It had to be the sheer range of emotions she'd gone through that evening that had caused her reaction, she decided. Focusing on Robert, and the confused, worried expression on his face, made her realise if she had found her own reaction confusing he must be downright alarmed.

"You've made me so happy," she confirmed, laughing through the tears.

"You're happy?"

"Of course I'm happy!" she told him, flinging her arms round his neck and holding him as close as she could. The warmth between them acted as a reminder to the cold outside.

"You had me worried there." They stood in silence for a moment just being, enjoying the new dynamic between them. "We should go back inside before they send out a search party."

"Robert, I'm not sure I'm ready to face them yet."

He offered her his arm. "We'll sneak back in, you can go up to bed, I'll tell them you're feeling under the weather."

Cora slipped her arm through the crook of his.

"I love you."

Robert hesitated slightly. He wasn't used to saying it yet.

"I love you."


	18. Party - Part 2

_2nd July 1890 _

That morning Cora woke feeling more relaxed than she had in a long time. She went over the night before in her head, smiling at the memory of Robert telling her he loved her. It had been a huge step for the two of them. Robert had never been one to share his feelings but last night he had. To know that finally these feelings Cora had felt for so long were being reciprocated made her happier than she'd even known. 

It hadn't just been Robert that had gotten something off his chest. Sharing the fears that had plagued her that last few months came as a relief. After all, a problem shared is a problem halved but it hadn't removed the problem completely. She was glad she'd shared her concerns with Robert but the lack of heir still rested at the back of her mind, leaving her with a feeling of dread every time she thought about it. 

“Shall I make an appointment with Dr. Clarkson for you today?” 

"No. There's no need." She hoped she’d sounded certain enough that he would just drop it. He didn’t. He raised his eyebrows at her and she knew it wasn’t going to be that easy. "Robert I don't want to." 

"I think it will put your mind at ease." He was right of course. Getting a definite answer would stop the constant worried that seemed to be always present in her mind these days. Every night she'd wonder if this would be it. But then that was just it, a definite answer would be definite, there would be no hiding away from their future. If the answer was no she would know she had failed for sure. 

“I don’t want to.” 

"I'll come with you." 

"Fine." There's only so long you can run from your fears Cora decided. She would just have to bite the bullet and face them. If she was going to face them she wanted to face them with him. 

... 

“All done?” Robert asked as his wife walked out of the doctor's office and into the waiting area.  
“I’ll have to come back in a week for the results. Can we just go home?” 

“Of course.” 

Cora felt exhausted. She barely done anything but just sitting in the doctor’s office had tired her out. Mentally she felt drained. She'd spent months worrying about this and finally she might be getting an answer to her fears. 

He knew it had been unlikely they'd get a prognosis there and then but Robert had been hoping they would know something. 

“Lady Grantham, could you come back into my office for a moment.” 

She flashed a worried glance at Robert then turned on her heel and walked back through the door Dr. Clarkson held open for her. 

... 

Robert’s head shot up at the sound of the door opening and Dr Clarkson calling in his next patient. Cora breezed through towards him. He couldn’t read her expression. 

“Ready to go?” 

“Yes.” He still wasn’t getting any clues as to why she’d been called back. She wasn’t crying, but then he was pretty sure Cora would not have started crying in public had the news been bad. 

That morning they’d walking into the village as it had given them the opportunity to be alone together. They’d talked about trivial things, relieving the tension. As they made their way back through the village side by side neither of them spoke about what had happened in the doctors’ surgery. The silence was somewhere in the grey area between awkward and comfortable. 

“I wa–" 

“Robert–" They both spoke at the same time. 

“Sorry, after you.” Robert prompted. 

Cora shook her head. “No go on, you speak.” 

“I was just wondering why Clarkson called you back.” He tried to stay casual, looking ahead at the path they followed. 

“He had a test result already.” 

“I thought he said it would take a week?” He glanced over at her. Cora was grinning. 

“The other test aren’t necessary now," she told him. Robert frowned. She had hoped he would piece it together and she wouldn't have to spell it out for him. She wanted to see the look of realisation on his face but it didn't come. “Robert I’m pregnant.”  
He stopped still and his jaw dropped. That had been the last thing he’d expected her to say. 

“You’re pregnant?” 

“It’s extremely early, a couple of weeks even, but yes." The news had been a shock to Cora as much as it was to Robert. She’d been so nervous when Clarkson had called her back into his office. She was convinced he’d be telling her she could never have children. The last thing she expected to hear was that there was one growing inside of her already. The child she so desperately wished for. 

"Pregnant?" 

"Yes Robert!" she laughed at his disbelief. How many times would she have to tell him? 

“Cora, my darling, this is marvellous news, truly wonderful.” He took both her hands in his.  
"I can't quite believe it myself. I didn't want to tell you in the surgery. I needed to process it first.” 

"A baby," Robert uttered. He understood Cora’s need to process the information. Despite having repeatedly reassuring Cora, and in a way himself, that this visit to the doctor would be fine, they'd both been secretly bracing themselves for the worst. 

“Our baby.” That was the part Cora was most struggling to get her head around now that she’d gotten somewhat over the initial shock that she was already pregnant; there was a baby, a human child growing within her. A child that was solely the joint produce of her and Robert.


End file.
